A lot of my inner challenges and stuck-nesses have the following form: I’m bothered by a thought, and the thought is true enough that I don’t feel comfortable ignoring it, or doing any of the other therapy techniques one might use to deal with untrue, harmful thoughts; but nonetheless, the particular way the thought lands on me and I respond to it is painful, skewed, unhelpful, or not in touch with reality.
Great articulation of a problem. In both sections of the post, it sounds like the therapizer is trying to crush a thought despite it having value, which you're unwilling to do (because you see the value in the thought).
In IFS, how does one communicate with a part, in order to understand what it needs? How can you do so without putting words in its mouth?
In answer to the question about what you are supposed to tell the young parts, why wouldn't you be supposed to tell them something like the following? "I agree with the reasonable attitude -- we both want to look after my long-term health -- but your strategies (such as feeling ugly or guilty or ashamed) are not actually relevant to that." That's what I'd say to someone who was recommending I e.g. feel ugly. What am I missing, if anything?
Hmm, yeah, I think this is reasonable. I think the reason it's difficult is just, IFS generally can be difficult (accurately 'getting in touch' with parts and communicating with them), and also... Like, this is spitballing a bit, but talking about useful strategies is kind of a complex thing that might not be understandable by or appropriate to young parts? Whereas other 'corrections' are easier to get across. E.g. if they feel unloved, you can send them love from yourself, or sometimes love from loved ones helps too. Or if they think they're in physical danger but you're not, you can 'correct' it by putting them in touch with reality. But I don't think you can stop an emotional response by talking about its strategic value - like I will cry when I'm sad, but it's not cos I think it has strategic value?
I'm reading a book now called "Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People" and something I read this week resonated as I read your words. About how sometimes our past relationships train us to feel bad when people make unreasonable demands. "If you grew up with emotionally immature parents a part of your personality may be standing by, ready to enforce guilt and shame even when you know better. After all, guilt and shame are the native currency of an entangled relationship with an emotionally immature person. But when you feel that stab of indoctrinated guilt, telling you what a bad person you are..remember that feeling so awful about yourself is never representative of the truth. Gain objectivity by labeling the judgment as an emotionally immature person's power play, and dispassionately observe how they try to inflame your self-doubt. Recall your sensible reasons, then follow what your adult mind knows is best. As you're being criticized by an unreasonable emotionally immature person, remember that your worry about being mean/heartless/selfish is a good indicator that you've started taking care of yourself."
Great articulation of a problem. In both sections of the post, it sounds like the therapizer is trying to crush a thought despite it having value, which you're unwilling to do (because you see the value in the thought).
In IFS, how does one communicate with a part, in order to understand what it needs? How can you do so without putting words in its mouth?
In answer to the question about what you are supposed to tell the young parts, why wouldn't you be supposed to tell them something like the following? "I agree with the reasonable attitude -- we both want to look after my long-term health -- but your strategies (such as feeling ugly or guilty or ashamed) are not actually relevant to that." That's what I'd say to someone who was recommending I e.g. feel ugly. What am I missing, if anything?
Hmm, yeah, I think this is reasonable. I think the reason it's difficult is just, IFS generally can be difficult (accurately 'getting in touch' with parts and communicating with them), and also... Like, this is spitballing a bit, but talking about useful strategies is kind of a complex thing that might not be understandable by or appropriate to young parts? Whereas other 'corrections' are easier to get across. E.g. if they feel unloved, you can send them love from yourself, or sometimes love from loved ones helps too. Or if they think they're in physical danger but you're not, you can 'correct' it by putting them in touch with reality. But I don't think you can stop an emotional response by talking about its strategic value - like I will cry when I'm sad, but it's not cos I think it has strategic value?
Yeah maybe I am a bit more hopeful than you about the idea that emotions can respond to complex arguments! I don't know.
Concretely, if I were to say to you "you don't need to feel guilty about not running today, because you were ill today", would that have an impact?
I'm reading a book now called "Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People" and something I read this week resonated as I read your words. About how sometimes our past relationships train us to feel bad when people make unreasonable demands. "If you grew up with emotionally immature parents a part of your personality may be standing by, ready to enforce guilt and shame even when you know better. After all, guilt and shame are the native currency of an entangled relationship with an emotionally immature person. But when you feel that stab of indoctrinated guilt, telling you what a bad person you are..remember that feeling so awful about yourself is never representative of the truth. Gain objectivity by labeling the judgment as an emotionally immature person's power play, and dispassionately observe how they try to inflame your self-doubt. Recall your sensible reasons, then follow what your adult mind knows is best. As you're being criticized by an unreasonable emotionally immature person, remember that your worry about being mean/heartless/selfish is a good indicator that you've started taking care of yourself."
That definitely resonates with me.